Catwifwood — Collection 01
Every item here is real, is made properly, and ships. Every claim made about it is not. Telling the two apart is left as an exercise for the buyer.
FLAGSHIPA solid billet of American black walnut, hand-finished, satin-oiled, weighted like something that matters. It does nothing. It is wood. You are buying wood, from a company called $WOOD, and we are both going to have to live with that.
*Brass plate ships unengraved. What you put on it is between you and the plate.
IN STOCK100% REAL CAT TAIL.* Harvested ethically from a cat who is doing fine and is now, frankly, richer than you.
*Faux fur. The cat retains all rights to his tail and has counsel.
ATELIERSterling silver, cast from a tail held at precisely the correct angle. Reads as abstract minimalist jewellery to anyone who has not been online, and as something else entirely to everyone who has.
*We will not be clarifying which. The deniability is the luxury.
REPRINTFaithfully reproduced: cream linen hardcover, three hundred blank pages, and one permanent cat-shaped depression pressed into the front cover.
*Depression applied at the factory. He is no longer involved in production.
IN STOCKWalnut executive desk plaque with an unengraved brass face. Announces to the room that you hold a position, while sparing you the indignity of specifying which one.
*Engraving not included. Most customers report the ambiguity does the heavy lifting.
SET OF FOURFour walnut coasters. Four woods. We workshopped a great many names for this product and every single one of them was materially worse.
*Protects your desk from rings, which is more than the chart has managed.
IN STOCKCharcoal wool felt, stitched edge, sized for a keyboard, a mouse, and one cat who will lie directly on top of both regardless of what you paid.
*Cat not included, will arrive anyway, is not ours.
IN STOCKGrants +3 Charisma and immunity to the question "so what do you actually do." Ears do not swivel. We tried. We spent real money trying.
*Charisma bonus unverified. Two testers reported the opposite effect.
IN STOCKAlso a 100% real cat tail. It is simply from a considerably smaller cat. Do not think about this too hard.
*Please stop thinking about it. It is a keychain.
PENDING FDA REVIEWFaceted palms make it physically impossible to tap the sell button. This is not a defect. This is the entire product.
*Also cannot tap buy, answer the phone, or unlock a door. Sold as-is.